Monday, September 14, 2009

A HUGE step for me

I used to be super grudgy. I learned that from my family. I would hold a grudge against someone and wouldn't care if I ever saw them or talked to them again. As I got older I have mellowed out a lot and don't seem to care about the things that used to stress me out. No more road rage for me! (Although living here I could get shot for getting pissed at other drivers. I already got "fake shot" a few months ago. A car pulled out in front of me and I laid on the horn for a minute of my old tricks that usually embarrasses the driver. Well, this person gets over in the other lane and her kid in the back leans over and makes her fingers into a gun and pulls the trigger. Needless to say people can pull out in front of me and drive slow in front of me all they want, there will be no more horn blowin')

Anywho, I don't stress out about being late to something or if something I make isn't perfect. Hey, I planned Cole's 5th birthday a few days in advance!

Well, here is the biggie. As you know, when I was 5 my mom died. My Dad's mom came to live with us. She was not the typical gram...she used to beat me, tell me I was a fat pig and that it was my fault my mom died, because I was so bad.

I remember after she would hit me (with hands, wooden spoons or anything she could get her hands time she grabbed a shoe and whipped it at me and ended up braking the kitchen light fixture) I would run upstairs, grab the phone (to call the police) and wait for a bruise to appear. I never bruised, so I never called.

I was hurt by all her mental abuse. I was a chubby little girl, but her calling me names never stopped me from stuffing my face. Even though she would say to me that terrible thing about my mom, I never really believed it. I always thought it was my sister's fault. My mom had a heart condition and the pregnancy and birth was real hard on her and put a lot of stress on her heart. Even still, I always had the sting of those words.

My Gram has cancer among other things. She would be real sick, then make a comeback. For a long time now I knew I would have to decide if I was going to forgive her. I knew I should b/c that's what I am supposed to do, but I didn't want to say it if I didn't mean it.

Living in the South has opened my eyes to lots of things...religiously speaking. Lots of women go to bible studies and attend church more than once a week and they also talk about being Godly. I have always believe in God and wanted to be a good person. I want to abide by God's rules and go to heaven. (When I was little my idea of heaven was sitting on a cloud with my mom eating M&Ms!)

A friend gave me a bible last year and every now and then I read it...and it seems like it is always for a purpose that is revealed soon after.

When I talked to my dad (King of Grudginess) a few weeks ago he said my gram was not doing good at all. The doctor said one to two weeks. She is confined to a bed and only gets up to use the bathroom. I knew I had little time to decide what to do.

I would be OK with forgiving her in my heart and never telling her. She never said sorry about anything in my childhood. Does she even remember now?

I have felt the need to call and forgive her a few times and never did. I guess I though if I did, she might die soon after. She's 95, so it's not like she'd be leaving us prematurely.

This morning I just got a feeling that I should do it. I took a quick look at my life and thought, her words and actions don't affect me anymore. I am a confident adult who is not making the same mistakes with her child. I am OK.

Before I made the call I broke down and cried. My Gram is dying, I am afraid to make this call, I am nervous about taking this huge step.

After I regained my composure, I dialed. I spoke with my Aunt first to see how she and my Gram were doing. I told her I knew I didn't have much time left and there was something I had to tell her before she goes. My Aunt said my Gram probably wouldn't be able to hear me, but I said that was OK, I just need to say it to her.

I know she couldn't hear me, but I told her I loved her and I forgave her. I said it twice throughout the conversation.

I'm not sure if I feel much different now that I said it out loud. Maybe in time I will. Or maybe I have been OK with it for some time now and really forgave her a long time ago.

I am proud of myself for taking this step. Who knew that I would still be growing up at age 37?!


Regina said...

Oh Amy, this brought tears to my eyes! I had no idea you were abused as a child and no idea your grandmother treated you so poorly. No wonder you never want to spank Cole and wonder why those of us that do it, can do it. That puts a lot of things into perspective. I'm sorry you've been having a hard time but hopefully prayer and good friends and family will help those old wounds heal. If you ever want to talk about it or need a shoulder to cry on, you know where I am.

Lori said...

This brought tears to my eyes too, Amy. I also had no idea you were abused as a child. Knowing this says so much more about you as a person. You are very strong, forgiving, and just such a wonderful person who I'm so thankful to call my friend. I hope you feel more at peace now and that time will continue to heal your wounds. Please know that I am also here to listen if you ever want to talk...or vent about bad drivers!!

Chelle said...

Sorry to hear about what you went through. It is great that you told your grandma you forgive her. God will use that as a stepping stone to do even more wonderful works.
Michelle Jinn

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to tell you again how proud I was of you that you forgave your grandmother. I know that was not easy. I meant to share this verse with you today at BK, but with the kids running around the timing didn't seem right.

When someone has done something wrong against me what helps me be not so "grudy" is this verse.

2 Corinthians 5:10

"For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

Essentially your grandmother will have to answer to Christ himself concerning her actions against you here on earth.

It makes me feel better that someone that hurt me will have to answer for their actions against me to Christ himself. At that point your grandmother will know she hurt you deeply. My prayer for her would be that at some point in her life she accepted Christ and by his grace alone you will see her in heaven someday and you will embrace each other with joy.

I know that reading this verse doesn't mean that it erases your hurt or your memories, but it has always given me comfort.

I love you girl!!!!